On n’invite pas les femmes seules aux dîners

What if a single woman is lucky? in his book Finally aloneFrench journalist Lauren Bastide delivers her instructions for happy solitude. Pleading to no longer be afraid of being without someone. meet.

It’s an ordinary Sunday: Lauren Bastide relaxes on the couch, reads a few chapters, still in her pajamas after the sun comes up, takes a shower when she wants, eats when she wants, walks her dog… She spends the day alone, the kids are at dad’s house. As night fell, she exclaimed, “But I’m so good!”, filled with a feeling of relief, even liberation.

Finally alone!

The journalist dedicated her new article to this happy solitude. Based on her observation that single women are still seen as “have-nots” (without a man, without children, etc.), she wants to change the mindset and is determined to stop women from fearing loneliness like the plague. Even better: they cultivate it, protect it, and see it as a source of happiness and liberation. Like building a foundation for self-esteem.

Why did you invent the new expression “alone at last”?

“Because, in my personal life, it took me a long time to achieve this relief from loneliness. It was complicated. A long time. And then, it was a collective ‘finality’: for the first time in history, Western women could live alone, with freedom, economic autonomy, with their own home. Before, they were perpetual minors, placed under the surveillance of patriarchal representatives: fathers, husbands…

This may seem trivial, but it has only been possible for half a century. We are still the pioneer few who have fully enjoyed this freedom. Through this book, I invite us to change the way we think about women who embrace this freedom: women who are not in relationships, women who are childless or whose children have “leaved the nest,” women who travel alone, women who don’t need anyone—or who are trying anyway.

A woman who lives alone and doesn’t have a “+1” at a party is still hard to get to know!

“Yes, socially, it’s disturbing. We don’t invite single women to dinner; as soon as they arrive with a companion, they become ‘social’ again. It’s crazy, but it’s true, I’ve experienced it up close. Society still has a hard time imagining that women can start a family unit on their own. However, this has become a reality, and it will become more and more of a reality. Women are gaining autonomy, financial independence. They no longer need a man to exist. And the more visible they are. The more this happens, the more normal they appear in the eyes of the world.”

Bridget Jones and soulmates

Do you view loneliness through the prism of gender, why?

“Because presumed solitude remains largely male. When we think of single men, we imagine Rousseau, a brooding genius, a visionary boss. To a single woman, she is at once the ‘single cat,’ Bridget Jones waiting for her soulmate. Historically, intellectual solitude was reserved for the master of the house. Until 1929 Virginia Woolf, a woman claimed her right to have a “room”. Even today women rarely have their own “room” and “their own clock.”

daily struggle

How do you cultivate solitude when living as a couple or having children?

“I have no magic bullet! It’s a daily struggle. For most couples, equality is still a rare privilege. In France, only 12% of separated parents actually share 50% custody. In Belgium, the situation is slightly better, around 20%, but still marginal. Sharing tasks is the real realm of feminism. Who sweeps the broom, who washes the socks? It may seem trivial, but it is political. And the only way to get there is to talk about it, without drama, without guilt.

Then you have to agree to let it go. Yes, maybe the shirts won’t be pressed and the house won’t be completely tidy for guests. But save the time you can use for writing, gardening, activities, and creating. This is not ‘me time’ in a selfish sense, but a time to nourish yourself and provide something useful to the world. “

open your heart to others

This selfish thought often comes up when women take time for themselves…

“Yes, it’s ridiculous. We would never say that a person who writes, thinks or creates is selfish. The word carries a moral judgment, especially for women. Withdrawing from the world does not mean withdrawing from others. On the contrary: solitude makes our relationships fairer and more kind.

When we stop constantly seeking external validation, we become more available and more curious. I see this every day: the more consistent I am, the less I torture myself with my values, and the more I open myself up to others. “

You said loneliness makes you love others more. What do you mean?

“When we learn to reassure ourselves and validate ourselves alone, we become less emotionally dependent. In his study of attachment, British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Winnicott explained that a ‘well-attached’ child can leave his mother to play and even forget about her without fear of losing her. He knows that when he returns to her, she will still love him just the same. The same goes for adults: the more we cultivate our inner security and the more we give ourselves some alone time, the calmer our romantic relationships will become.”

free yourself male gaze

In your opinion, the demands of beauty prevent women from feeling at peace when alone. for what?

“Margaret Atwood said, ‘You are a woman and there is a man inside of you looking at a woman,’ and that’s it. We understand male gaze (For the Male Gaze, Editor’s Note). When you’re 15, you think it’s an honor to be whistled at in the street. People believe that our worth depends on our desires. Men don’t ask themselves these questions. We end up integrating and perpetuating this surveillance: we look at ourselves and judge ourselves, even when we are alone at home. Understanding that this obsession is man-made, especially by the cosmetics industry of the 1980s, is already the first step to breaking free from it. Personally, not wearing makeup every day saves me a lot of time… I use that time to read, study, think. “

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