Doit-on tout accepter d’un ami déprimé?

Seeing a friend slip into depression is trying. Sometimes we accept things we shouldn’t for fear of adding more. However, tolerating everything and/or accepting everything in silence is ultimately harmful to ourselves and our relationships.

By 2024, one in six adults will suffer from depression or anxiety. This is the observation of the website Belgique en bonne santé, the official platform dedicated to the health of Belgians. We know how much psychological distress can affect a person’s behavior, the way they function, and the relationships they maintain. In dark times, it is indeed possible to lose control. Some profiles may then isolate themselves or make hurtful comments without realizing it.

When faced with this situation, it is often accepted for fear of driving the person further into depression. Julie Akulin, a coach who specializes in relationships and the author of several books on the subject, believes this is a mistake.

relationship risks

The expert’s answer is clear: “No, we shouldn’t accept everything from our depressed friend. It makes us uncomfortable and can damage our relationship. If we value that connection, we’ll not only set boundaries, but most importantly, we’ll talk about the problem.”

According to Julie Akulin, this acceptance of everything can have harmful consequences:

• Explodes at some point: If you accept everything silently, the cup is in danger of overflowing. When we are angry, we may say things we don’t mean, or we may communicate in the wrong way and get caught up in our emotions. This conflict could do huge damage to the bonds that unite us.
• Loss of emotional balance: Seeing a loved one depressed can make us feel guilty and helpless. But it also makes us anxious.
• Have mercy on those you love: When the other person takes the time to tell us about his unhappiness, we run the risk of no longer enjoying his company and/or feeling sympathy for him.

Beware of savior syndrome!

The coach also warns about savior syndrome: “We want so badly to see our loved ones out of depression that we make it our mission to save them. The problem is, that takes away their own path to happiness, which can lead to frustration and resentment.” And clarifies: “Imagine you have a bunch of stuff for this loved one and you’re waiting for him to get well and he doesn’t and you can say to yourself ‘After everything I’ve done for him…'”

What action should you take in this situation? Expert advice.

1. Where we express ourselves incorrectly

The coach confirms this to us: “If your friend behaves badly, if he exceeds your limits or if you feel uncomfortable in his presence, then it is necessary to tell him.” Pay attention to the way: “We always recommend talking about your own feelings. For example, you Saying, ‘I felt embarrassed when you said this or that,’ and ‘I felt hurt when you did that,’ rather than ‘You said that, you did that,’ is a method inspired by nonviolent communication that helps prevent your friend from feeling blamed.”

2. We set limits

Do your loved ones ask you a lot? Did he ask to see you to empty his bag? Does it stress you out that he calls you again and again? Setting limits is crucial to avoid outbursts: “I sincerely invite you to protect yourself by quantifying the time you give to your depressed friend. We can honestly tell them things, namely that we need to see other people and do things to stay happy. This is crucial in order to avoid putting their emotional burden on our shoulders.”

3. We help without any expectations

Helping is a laudable intention, but it can only be healthy if we are not in a position of waiting: “If you want to help this depressed friend in some way without getting stuck in a vicious cycle of unhealthy relationships, then you must remember that you should not expect anything from him: neither that he will take the steps you suggest, nor that he will thank you. It must be a truly empathetic and selfless act, otherwise you will end up being blamed.”

4. Most importantly, we don’t feel guilty

Setting boundaries and speaking up about mistakes can be difficult: We may be afraid of pushing our loved ones further. “Guilt is a very common feeling, especially among women. Know that you don’t have to feel guilty for putting your own well-being first. It can even be very healthy because it gives the other person a chance to question themselves and reorient themselves.”

What if depression turns into depression?

Is your friend’s depression still ongoing? Julie Akulin recommended referring him to a mental health professional. You can also invite them to visit the Je me libre website, which offers help for people with depression, such as a helpline open 7/7 (number 107).

Please also note that mental health service centers are open throughout Wallonia and welcome any requests related to psychological distress. They provide responses adapted to the individual and the situation: diagnosis, monitoring and psychosocial, psychotherapeutic or spiritual support through individual, family and group counselling. Check out this link to find them.

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